Summer plans for my introvert

THANK YOU so much Mary for sharing all this wisdom.  So much sounds similar to Chris.  Would you mind if I shared this with my husband?  If you don’t want me to share the whole note I could just share some of the suggestions verbally without using her name.

This is exactly the type of experience I need to hear!!!!!

Beth

From: Mary Hibbard

Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012 10:37 AM

To: Beth Violette

Subject: Re: Exam results.....

Hi Beth,

Abby also tends to be quite isolative and in the past it has been very stressful for me.  She does struggle somewhat with wanting to spend time with friends but does little to help plan it, and doesn't usually care much if it even happens.  She only has a few friends and really has very little internal "need" for friend time (although somewhat more this year than in the past).

The biggest thing I have done to come to terms with this is to read a book on "introversion" (there are a few at the library).  It has really helped me to realize that her low needs for being with people is really a valid personality style and isn't necessarily a problem at all.  Of course I have to monitor to make sure she isn't depressed or anything, but just wanting/needing time by herself apparently is fine.  She's very creative and thrives on her time alone.  That is the nature of introversion and according to these books it can be a huge strength!!

What I've worked out for her is that she will do a few things with friends like going out to ice cream, etc.  She has said she doesn't want to go to scout camp at all this summer, nor any religious camp.  Originally this made me very anxious, but I realize that she's making thoughtful decisions for herself and I work to trust it.  She does seem to know herself quite well!  She is going to be teaching karate to little kids this summer and working on writing her book.  That's pretty much it.  I looked into a "junior archaeology" camp at Strawberry Banke which she's somewhat interested in but not jumping all over, so that may be an option.  I hope that she'll go to the high school youth group at church over the summer.  She and I are going to take a trip to Philadelphia when Dave and Sam are at scout camp.

The other thing that I've done with her in the past is to have her write down specific and measurable goals that she wants to work on over the summer.  And then I've given "incentives" for her to meet her goals (she really loves working for incentives).  This hasn't worked well for Sam, who pretty much just wants to play with friends and isn't anywhere near as driven.  But Abby has done things like read the Bible for a certain number of hours, learn new friendship bracelet styles, work on diving skills, train the dog new tricks, etc.  She makes detailed goals and then I can't really remember what the incentives have been, but probably age-appropriate.  I know when she was younger I had a "prize basket" that she could pick a prize from when she met her goal.  Last year I think I had bought a few small gift cards as incentives.  And this year my guess is she'll be all about cash.  She's very organized and driven and likes to use her summer to do things that she can't do during the school year.  She is planning on having her 400 page (handwritten) book ready to go to an editor by the end of the summer (so typing skills is also a goal), and wants to work on a new aquarium (her third!)  She also has a lot of physical goals, primarily about karate and how quickly she can run through all her techniques, as well as frisbee and ripstick skills.  The goals really structure her days--she works on each goal for a certain amount of time.  She really, really loves working on goals for incentives over the summer!!!  And ultimately I don't mind doing the incentives although I realize many parents don't believe in them.  But its a very small price (far less than a camp) to have her structured and motivated all summer.  Almost like her own individual camp at home, I guess.  And I don't have to say or do anything, its very "hands off".

She also spends a lot of time in her bedroom alone which she loves.  And I don't.  But we've talked about it a billion times and I revealed that her spending time in a messy bedroom feels to me like the way my mother with mental illness and substance abuse issues isolates.  On the other hand, when she's in her bedroom if its clean and the door is open I feel much better about it and get off her back.  She actually listened to that and it has been a good compromise.

Anyway, Abby is a tough one like your son and this is what I've ended up with for her summer, although it took many years of prayers to figure it out.  It work well for us!  Mostly I've just learned not to stress about her as she seems to be doing developmentally just fine (and in many ways better than fine).

Good luck with it!  I'm praying for all of us Moms with our summer challenges for our kids!

M

On May 29, 2012, at 7:36 AM, Beth Violette wrote:

Thanks all for you thoughts.  I feel strongly that patients deserve the best care and the most knowledgeable clinicians.  I really learned a lot studying for this.

Diane, For healing for Chucha.

And Geraldine for the men who were injured for healing and wise doctors. And also prayers for your son.

I need some advice or prayers from you teenage moms (or others too if you have it!!)  What are your teens doing this summer?  I have a teen who tends to isolate and not want to do anything we suggest.  We are having a hard time knowing when to force things or not force things.  He is very hard to engage at times.  Although he is an excellent student, very responsible and hard working boy scout.  I think we have just hit “the zone" of sorts.  Unlike our middle child he does not share any feelings.  It would be helpful if we had more summer avenues for him.  He is going to a week of boy scout camp and hopes to join the Bethany and St. E’s youth groups on a few trips.  He is not into sports.   I remember being really burnt out last summer.  any advice welcome....my husband and I got into a heated discussion about this last night (after 10PM—like after 15 yrs of marriage we have not learned to rule about discussing things that late...)

Love, Beth

Banana gingerbread

I am continually on a quest for things that are healthy and still seem like treats to my family.  I am usually unsuccessful, adding things like protein powder or strange flours or sweeteners that they just don't like.  Continuing on that quest is my newest use for rotten bananas:  Banana gingerbread.  Preheat to 350.  Spray 9 X 13.

1/2 cup melted coconut oil (or butter)
1 egg
1/2 (or up to 2/3) cup molasses
2 cups mashed banana (this was 5 large bananas)
1 tsp vanilla

Mash bananas and add molasses, egg and coconut oil.  Add 1 tsp of vanilla and spices:
1/2 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp ginger, 1/4 tsp cloves, 1/4 tsp allspice, 1/4 tsp nutmeg.

1/2 cup raisins
1/3 cup crystallized ginger
1/2 cup walnuts

Soak raisins in hot water for 1/2 hour, then drain.  Dice ginger, chop walnuts.

1 cup ww flour
1 cup all-purp flour
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup demerera sugar cubes, crushed in plastic bag

Whisk together dry ingredients except crushed sugar cubes.  Add wet ingredients to dry.  Add raisins, crys. ginger and walnuts.  Spread in 9 X 13 pan.  Sprinkle top with crushed sugar cubes.  Bake for 30-40 min.

The devil's in the bugs

Yesterday morning I was talking to the kids while they were eating their "power breakfast" because Sam had a big math test:  egg sandwiches with turkey, cheese and spicy mustard, and I even let Sam have some green tea with caffeine to make his brain work.  Sam screamed and jumped and said he had a tick walking across his hand.  He ran across the room whining for me to go find the tick and dispose of it.  Which I did, but then he spent the rest of the morning looking all around him, wanting me to locate ticks everywhere he sat so he'd be safe.  He actually found 2 more on the floor, one alive and one dead, but he still wanted me to pick them up.

So I told him my theory that the devil is in bugs and little nasty things like bacteria and viruses.  I really think "he" goes after us any way he can, and often it isn't through big temptations.  He rides us, making us feel that we can't be safe in our own homes, feeling fearful, and then through many of them, transferring diseases to us like Lyme disease, with many horrible and vague symptoms.  Always symptoms where we might be doubted, and question ourselves and our integrity.  Diseases that are pervasive and very difficult to get rid of, that will come back at the drop of a hat.  Things that can destroy our lives.  That is just the kind of thing that the devil will do.

And I said, "You know, I don't even think the devil's a "he", I think he's just" and here I paused trying to find the right word.  I didn't pause long enough.  "He's just a...dick."  And Sam nearly spit his orange juice out on the floor laughing.  He's still laughing about it today, that Mommy would use that word to describe the devil.  Dave, who is currently in California for meetings, was somewhat appalled and said he hopes Sam won't start using that word now like Abby's using "crap".  Mommy needs to clean up her mouth.

The point of my story (other than the fact that I shouldn't tell stories until Mommy's had her caffeine) to the kids was that we need to be prepared to battle the bugs and not let them win.

So last night I was in my bedroom and coming downstairs to close up the house for the night.  I stepped out and in the hall on my left saw the hugest black wasp I've ever seen.  I quickly went back into my bedroom, texted Dave to ask if he'd fly back home to take care of it, and geared up.  I donned my yellow raincoat and hood, as well as my pretty new strappy keens over my jammies, and grabbed a pile of magazines.  For the next 5 minutes I'd open the door, hunt down my prey and throw a magazine at it.  It was hard to get a good angle, so I'd glance off it but never get a direct blow.  I threw a couple of books for good measure, and only made a small dent in the wall.

Every couple of minutes I'd text Dave who must have been at dinner, then finally, with adrenaline pumping out of my fingertips, made my mark.  I buried him under several big books until I was sure he was dead, and texted Dave my final victory.  Wondering why the heck he didn't answer back, I looked down and realized...I had texted the whole story of my epic battle to Martina!

She called this morning laughing hysterically and told me about her carpenter ant infestation.  I identified the wasp as a great black wasp, one of the most dangerous stings.  I spent the rest of the day with the pantry moths.  3 times I've had to change my strategy as more and more research is showing me that these guys can eat through packaging and plastic, and get out of tupperware.  Ugh!  I still haven't seen any eggs or larvae, just the little "cocoons" of the adults.  But I'm sure they're there.  This was at least the 3rd day I spent on this, as I really store quite a bit of food in my pantry.  I have gone through the food 4 or 5 times, and I keep on throwing more away.  Really just keeping cans, jars, and a few packages that look safe or are new.  But I have seen them inside the flaps of brand new boxes, so I don't feel like I can keep anything in cardboard or plastic. Now everything is in double or triple packages and the pantry is emptied out and wiped down.  I'm waiting for my glass airtight storage containers to arrive and planning how to continue to win my battle.

Spring reality check in

April 17, 2012

I still have one shelf to go of the pantry moth project which I have managed to put off for about 2 weeks now.  Bins of food double-bagged, tied and further corralled in plastic are all over the kitchen.  I have been watching the genius invention hanging in my pantry for over a week now:  lady moth hormones, hot to those moth dudes and pressed into a little patch, are placed on fly paper,hanging from the ceiling.  And now covered with eternally slumbering moths.  This is the second batch, and they seem to be slowing down.

The leaves are finally popping out on the trees and New Hampshire is doing spring well this year.  The trees are all blossoming, the forsythia is in full golden bloom, and daffodils have popped up in clumps all over the front garden.  This is the only season that I look on my yard with fondness coming up the driveway--all the flowers and colors distract my eye from the special needs situation of the rest of my landscaping.  But for now (other than the first time in winter it is all mercifully covered with snow!) I can enjoy it.

But am I outside enjoying it?  No.  I am sitting here again bemoaning the state of my life as a stay at home mom.  Staying at home beyond my welcome as my kids are 13 and 10.  Which is almost 14 and 11, far beyond the time that most semi-reluctant stay at home moms have moved past their ambivalence and self-questioning and gotten the "moving back into the career path" job that leads them onward.

Don't get me wrong, I love being with my kids when they are home, even the driving around, helping with homework and cooking endless meals part.  I could do without the cleaning part, was just telling a friend that I would like to have the money for a maid to run ahead of me into a room just to make sure its straightened.  I do have serious fantasies about someone cleaning my floors.

No, its the hours in between that drag on and on.  I can't do enough to fill them despite my volunteering, Bible studies, working out, walking the dog, leading Destination and FIRST teams, prayer groups, lunches and errands with friends, ethnic cooking extravaganzas, blah blah blah. Every time I look for a job, there is something about it that doesn't seem right.  I don't want to work in my former career as a clinical social worker in prisons and psych hospitals, as it is too all-consuming and potentially dangerous. I want something "fun" that can lead me on in a future of excitement and mind-challenge.  Super convenient and high paying, of course.  I have looked into new careers as a teacher, nurse administrator, sociologist, prison bible study leader, domestic violence advocate, author, artist, journalist, librarian, naturopath, holistic nutrition educator, chef, school counselor, personal shopper, bakery owner, on and on.  

None of them seem right, although briefly I am always sure that this is the career path for me!  I research schools or jobs, send emails, plan commutes and incomes, even interview, and always stop before I move on.  I know the reality is that I feel obligated to be there for my kids when they're sick, have a snow day, on vacations, weekends, evenings and summer.  My husband can't fill in the gaps for me and we don't have family around to help.  And even though my kids are old enough to come home for an hour or two on their own, I just can't stomach the idea of that.  I've worked so long and hard to get my kids to the point that they're both doing relatively well.  I don't want to make myself unavailable to them.  I know how much they both need me when they need me, although those times are getting less often.

So I'm still here even though I know its probably not the best use of my time.  And a lot of it I feel like I'm sitting around waiting to be needed.  Which frankly seems like a silly occupation but someone has to do it.  I keep praying that God will pop the perfect job or pastime into my lap and He doesn't.  Or maybe He really already has...