THANK YOU so much Mary for sharing all this wisdom. So much sounds similar to Chris. Would you mind if I shared this with my husband? If you don’t want me to share the whole note I could just share some of the suggestions verbally without using her name.
This is exactly the type of experience I need to hear!!!!!
Beth
From: Mary Hibbard
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012 10:37 AM
To: Beth Violette
Subject: Re: Exam results.....
Hi Beth,
Abby also tends to be quite isolative and in the past it has been very stressful for me. She does struggle somewhat with wanting to spend time with friends but does little to help plan it, and doesn't usually care much if it even happens. She only has a few friends and really has very little internal "need" for friend time (although somewhat more this year than in the past).
The biggest thing I have done to come to terms with this is to read a book on "introversion" (there are a few at the library). It has really helped me to realize that her low needs for being with people is really a valid personality style and isn't necessarily a problem at all. Of course I have to monitor to make sure she isn't depressed or anything, but just wanting/needing time by herself apparently is fine. She's very creative and thrives on her time alone. That is the nature of introversion and according to these books it can be a huge strength!!
What I've worked out for her is that she will do a few things with friends like going out to ice cream, etc. She has said she doesn't want to go to scout camp at all this summer, nor any religious camp. Originally this made me very anxious, but I realize that she's making thoughtful decisions for herself and I work to trust it. She does seem to know herself quite well! She is going to be teaching karate to little kids this summer and working on writing her book. That's pretty much it. I looked into a "junior archaeology" camp at Strawberry Banke which she's somewhat interested in but not jumping all over, so that may be an option. I hope that she'll go to the high school youth group at church over the summer. She and I are going to take a trip to Philadelphia when Dave and Sam are at scout camp.
The other thing that I've done with her in the past is to have her write down specific and measurable goals that she wants to work on over the summer. And then I've given "incentives" for her to meet her goals (she really loves working for incentives). This hasn't worked well for Sam, who pretty much just wants to play with friends and isn't anywhere near as driven. But Abby has done things like read the Bible for a certain number of hours, learn new friendship bracelet styles, work on diving skills, train the dog new tricks, etc. She makes detailed goals and then I can't really remember what the incentives have been, but probably age-appropriate. I know when she was younger I had a "prize basket" that she could pick a prize from when she met her goal. Last year I think I had bought a few small gift cards as incentives. And this year my guess is she'll be all about cash. She's very organized and driven and likes to use her summer to do things that she can't do during the school year. She is planning on having her 400 page (handwritten) book ready to go to an editor by the end of the summer (so typing skills is also a goal), and wants to work on a new aquarium (her third!) She also has a lot of physical goals, primarily about karate and how quickly she can run through all her techniques, as well as frisbee and ripstick skills. The goals really structure her days--she works on each goal for a certain amount of time. She really, really loves working on goals for incentives over the summer!!! And ultimately I don't mind doing the incentives although I realize many parents don't believe in them. But its a very small price (far less than a camp) to have her structured and motivated all summer. Almost like her own individual camp at home, I guess. And I don't have to say or do anything, its very "hands off".
She also spends a lot of time in her bedroom alone which she loves. And I don't. But we've talked about it a billion times and I revealed that her spending time in a messy bedroom feels to me like the way my mother with mental illness and substance abuse issues isolates. On the other hand, when she's in her bedroom if its clean and the door is open I feel much better about it and get off her back. She actually listened to that and it has been a good compromise.
Anyway, Abby is a tough one like your son and this is what I've ended up with for her summer, although it took many years of prayers to figure it out. It work well for us! Mostly I've just learned not to stress about her as she seems to be doing developmentally just fine (and in many ways better than fine).
Good luck with it! I'm praying for all of us Moms with our summer challenges for our kids!
M
On May 29, 2012, at 7:36 AM, Beth Violette wrote:
Thanks all for you thoughts. I feel strongly that patients deserve the best care and the most knowledgeable clinicians. I really learned a lot studying for this.Diane, For healing for Chucha.And Geraldine for the men who were injured for healing and wise doctors. And also prayers for your son.I need some advice or prayers from you teenage moms (or others too if you have it!!) What are your teens doing this summer? I have a teen who tends to isolate and not want to do anything we suggest. We are having a hard time knowing when to force things or not force things. He is very hard to engage at times. Although he is an excellent student, very responsible and hard working boy scout. I think we have just hit “the zone" of sorts. Unlike our middle child he does not share any feelings. It would be helpful if we had more summer avenues for him. He is going to a week of boy scout camp and hopes to join the Bethany and St. E’s youth groups on a few trips. He is not into sports. I remember being really burnt out last summer. any advice welcome....my husband and I got into a heated discussion about this last night (after 10PM—like after 15 yrs of marriage we have not learned to rule about discussing things that late...)Love, Beth
